Good news: there is nothing wrong with my teeth.
Bad news: the muscles in my jaw are stressed which means I can't chew gum anymore and I have to do some sort of face exercises. If that doesn't work, it looks like a diet of ibuprofen and liquids are in my immediate future. All acceptable alternatives to teeth drilling and extraction.
I immediately went to the store and got some mints because heaven help me if I'm going to let my jaw stand in the way of my social aptitude.
Also, since Fridays seem to be musically inclined, here's some more:
Horsefeathers, "Curs in the Weeds". Also check out "This is what". They're a sort of a modernized bluegrass which, granted, isn't for everyone. I'll forgive you if you don't like it, but DON'T SHOW YOUR FACE AROUND HERE AGAIN.