The Appliances are Revolting.

We have had the same toaster for literally my entire life. Lately, it's been a little on the fritz. By fritz I mean when we go to unplug it, the cord and the prong parts are almost too hot to touch. I've been saying for months, "Mom, we really need a new toaster, either one of us is going to get electrocuted or it's going to burn the house down." She always waves me off and says, "But I like this toaster! It's cute and retro!" Rarely am I ever proven right in these situations.

Today I was electrocuted by the "cute and retro" toaster.

Okay so electrocuted is perhaps too drastic a word. Shocked, maybe? Melted flesh? Yes. That's more accurate.

I had a craving for some waffles this morning, so I plugged it in. Nothing. I went to unplug it to try again and suddenly, right where I grabbed it, I heard a crack, saw a bolt of flame followed by a sizzle of what was surely my flesh. I had an instantaneous flashback to my chemistry lab only there was pain attached that didn't belong in the original memory. I have a blackened thumb to prove the whole ordeal. I had to trip all the breaker switches in the house just to unplug Mr. Cute and Retro because we couldn't find the one labeled "kitchen".

This in and of itself is sort of a big deal but lately my (very important) straightener works only when it feels like it, my laptop plug practically broke itself into 4 pieces (lie: I broke it with my stupidity), the lightbulb in my room just burned out, the garage light doesn't come on but looks a little like it sparks and the radio in our car went dead yesterday. Have I done something to offend you, Technology? Are you exacting some sort of revenge? All I've ever done was love you! Sure, I may yank you out by your cord every once in a while but only when I'm in a hurry. What's next? Is my blow dryer going to detonate in my face? Is my alarm going to choke me in my sleep?!

I feel like there's a low budget horror movie buried somewhere in here. Man. I long for the 19th century when the only thing you had to worry about were lanterns catching the house on fire.